[identity profile] copperbadge.livejournal.com posting in [community profile] gtaofdoom_backup
These are direct quotes from about 1200 papers I have graded over the course of two years. No particular order. Character names have occasionally been changed/removed.

In addition, if you would like to see some History student gems, you may find [livejournal.com profile] nsempress has posted some here.

***

Any lame person could see this is the king, who continuously daunts high-class apparel and flashy jewelry.

It was an odd spectacle, yet I still me gazed and wondered at the sight.

His son is scent away to make his own life.

He is nothing more than a decaying corps.

I don't recall seeing many bright colors which is a good thing when we are dealing with revenge.

Spectacle was left to a minim in order to focus on the play.

The designs were large and elaborate, with spikes, boots, and hair.

The makeup clearly illustrates the immorality and levity of the characters. (she uses "levity" to describe a dead man. )

The designer used a skrim, an opaque screen that is taught. (in the theatre, a scrim is a taut piece of fabric which becomes transparent under certain conditions)

The lighting designer used varying colors to create a dramatic and ire lighting scheme.

On the other end of the spectrum are the costume which exercise nobility.

The characters wreak of betrayal.

Their final conflict sends him off into the word on his own.

Dreams of becoming poets, writers, and intellects were all impossible.

He witnessed his mother's suffering because of his father's unkempt promises.

The house created the obeisance of how isolated these women were.

You could tell the kind of character the playwright wanted to be.

She new how to act.

While their brother or father (I am not sure which) came back from war...

The narrator is still troubled by the summer when there was lots of love, and of loss because of the family apart of the family. (yeah. I dunno. Don't look at me.)

Surprisingly, Molly does not entire act much with Aaron.

This is the point where the end becomes inevitably.

The first scene is the climax of the play.

The climax of the play undoubtedly occurred at the end, or near it.

Seeing his wife in this state of condition upset him.

The highest point comes from when during the fistfight.

When this happens, he is finally pushed over the age.

In this play there is very much crisis.

Alex deems a complex character.

I can put more, but I assume this is enough.

...the wineful of poisn...

From that point on it's all dropping bodies.

The exact crisis is that everything goes wrong and everyone dies. (Wow. Way to be precise, yo.)

Hamlet dies from a small piercing.

The family struggled against the disgrace brought on my having a love child.

He kisses her friend as she peaks.

Every time he appears onstage he arouses his son in the way only a father can.

Certain things can be done alone but all warm-blooded people need a companion in the end.

In fact, the play was incredibly slow up until the arrival of the men.

His only purpose is to dance around all retarded.

This was a very well sought out play.

He has also breaded the protagonist, making this play even more unique. (I honestly have no idea what this person means here. None at all. Normally I have a clue; nope, not in this case.)

This was a very intuitive play that is filled with many different dialogue that is important to listen to. It was pact filled with great life lessons.

John Hawthorne is one of the antagonists and his name contains the word thorn which is never a good thing.

Further than that, at the hand of more research, I chose this play.

At the heart of Joe is a corrupt spine. He even divulges in a kiss with Louis.

I thought this project was very helping in getting me to think.

The bold and vibrant colors reflected the ear in which the play was set.

It displayed a certain heir of high social class. Chic dresses were worn and tuxedos with colored cumber buns were present.

When I attended the play I sat in an isle seat.

Sign language was a significant element in narrating the story of a young, def girl who is made fun of by the town. (Yes, they mock her 80's chic; she is just too def for them.)

The final section of the set was the tact room, where they kept all of their tools.

The black robe had plastic gems and a trim of gold lamiae. (lamiae are a type of Greek vampire.)

First, I felt close to the actors because I could wee their facial expressions.

This play was performed at a college in the middle of now where.

All of the actors had great facials and body movements.

Barnaby exemplified the look of a butler with his gold collar, black bow tie, and white testes.

He was outstanding at acting and making hypothetical gestures.

For example, the fake cardbord crocodiles aroused the audience with their unbelievable appearance.

Minus his age, Jason did a great job of portraying his actor.

This play was about a parliament being accused of killing the chauffeur.

Nothing turned the audience's buttons on more than the actors of this production.

This yellow light extenuated the idea of the sparkle.

Another big hit in the set design was the side effects, such as smoking.

One scene that caught my eye in particular was the scene that was done in the sewer for the floating crap game.

The lights created an underwater delusion.

Top Girls could be metaphoric in many of ways.

It is much harder for me to read a play and interrupt it.

I especially enjoyed her floofing. She constantly floofed her dress, she constantly floofed her hair. She walked like a floof, and let her hands flop (or floof) around.

The witty humor had me laughing so hard I feared I might loose the contents of my bladder.(Note to everyone ever in the universe: NOBODY EVER WANTS TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR BLADDER IN AN ESSAY.)

I felt that I could relate to her and her young style because she was a part of the youngest couple and had a winy personality, somewhat similar to mine.

I thought that everything she did was overdone, like her walking, talking, and nicotine addiction.

The lyrics of this play can be accredited for make this play so enjoyable. (this is the same girl who wrote me an email ALL IN CAPS LOCK and then, in her paper, never once capitalised AIDS.)

She expressed the verbatim with effective allusions designed to reveal everything, yet remain tasteful.

Also, the play kind of left me feeling dirty because they talked about sex. However, mixing in some sexual events made the play fun and exciting.

Life isn't fair because the world is run by the corrupted minds of men, and it can't be undone for the world itself is evil.

This play takes us back to the 16th century of Ancient Greece.

When first walking into the arena theatre, I wasn't sure if I was walking into an arena or a theatre.

The writing flowed as smooth as birds over fluffy white-knit clouds.

Towards the end I started to believe I was at some distorted Abercrombie and Fitch catalog shooting instead of a college play.

The show started after a big financial loss from fire damage, for that reason, I had good feelings about the play.

This was one of those plays that you'll remember for forever. (This comes from a student who DID NOT SEE THE SHOW.)

They end the scene with very little clothing on, making the show a real hit.

The mood was sad, yet happy.

The suits with little and tutus kept me entertained.

The sight of Jeff talking like a cat had everyone in splits.

On a play ostentatiously set in the 1940's: This play mixes love, friendship and mischief in the mid 19th century...

The setting wasn't as good as the acting, but it did put up a good fight.

The character of Willy Loman can best be compared to Ozzy Osbourne.

I would play the role of Theo because he is a young man who is married to a beautiful young woman.

Bears can come of harsh, but underneath it there is a sweet and sensitive side.

She takes her boyfriend Laurie, under her wings and helps raise him into the man her becomes.

I would cast Kelly Clarkson as Meg [in Little Women]. She is a little plum which Meg is described to be, but very mature.

I learned that you will get caught and women always figure it out.

The title means it's important to be serious and sincere, yet it's also just as important, if not more so, to be named Ernest.

I chose this play because it was short and easy to read.

Overall I enjoyed the play because it was odd and short.

The experience of the theatre is phenomenal and must not go untaken.

Just like Willy Loman in the play, my father wants me to have a successful and happy life. That is why I am in college, and that is why I am writing this paper.

And the "I got high before typing this review" award goes to: While I believe some actors did this very will I do believe some actors did not. One of these is [character's name], who I did not believe hold the same characteristics throughout the movie.

This person began their paper with: Luckily I do not have to write a paper on the acting in this play. I do not major in theatre arts but I was told by someone who did that the acting in this production was horrible.

I especially liked the kid who referred to Death of a Salesman as a domestic comedy. Yeah, that Arthur Miller, what a hoot he is. Didn't he write for Friends for a while?

One student described Anything Goes -- yes, ANYTHING GOES -- as "a little weighty for me". God I hope he doesn't really know what weighty means.

And this, my friends, is the entirety of one of the papers: [Name removed] is the driving force in the play. The cast includes his wife, children, and friend. To be honest I have only skimmed the play and I left my copy at home in the rush to leave. I can not remember what the conflict was.

But these sarcasms are my favourite:

I would have to say the highlight of the evening came when the waitress brought our food and drinks. The only reason I would go back is to have more of the delicious pizza served during the show.

The actors shouted their lines out at the crowd, and while this technique might work for an overenthusiastic professor lecturing in an auditorium...

I would not recommend this play to those who can still hear and see.

The play hit the ground walking and only proceeded to lose momentum from there.

This production was an epic of student-sized proportions.

This is not a play I would have recommended to someone to write an eight page paper on.

The lighting in this play was masterfully adequate.

This play was honestly a waste of two hours and forty minutes of my life that I would like to have back.

gems from [livejournal.com profile] blythely: Undergrad Essays for Biology, Anthropology and Psychology.

It is important to consider the world in an evolutionary contempt.

If it is true that intelligence is heritable I think it would be dangerous for society. It opens the way to things that could tear society apart and threaten our basic rights, such as eugenics, the selective breeding of the human race is an awful thing to contemplate.

In summing up I conclude that intelligence is genetic, heritable and modifiable and offers no valid reason for total pessimism and thus conclude there are many valid reasons for optimism.

Psychology is an ever changing science, which is difficult.

In 1971, Robert Smith conquered another success in demonstrating the use of this technique.

I think that human evolution similarly to evolution of other organisms was mosaic and the intriguing field of anthropology is to piece together the beautifully mosaic picture of how Homo came to evolve into the complex creature that is each one of us.

The claim is surrounded by many viewpoints that has led biologists, psychologists, philosophers, evolutionists and many other academia wondering.

We are aware of our intelligence. We know who is smarter and who is not.

The intelligence that arises from an increase in brain size, substantially benefits all beings in their search for a better way of life.

Bigger brains enable the development of better tools and better weapons, which improves nourishment to the brain.

It was a long road to full bipedality and there were a number of steps long the way. (I gave this girl the red pen for her bad puns)

Furthermore, having able to migrate from Africa to Europe and Asia in those days was not an easy and simple task to do. (c. 2 million years ago)

Human adaptive advantage was acquired as the brain evolved functions that were both selectively important and ensured the survival of the species. (in a test answer for Explain the problems with "survival of the species"?)

For even the scientists to make such teleological statements, provides evidence that teleological thought is a module with no way of escaping its clutches (until such time that evolution decides to through another curve ball our way).

From the very begininng of human existence, it seems we have had a propensity to kill our fellow human beings.

May 2004 Update:

The play appeals to its audience because it has comedy, action, music, and death.

He attaches her with a rifle.

Her overal sexual appeal made for a very enjoyable viewing experience. Her desire-inducing body and accentuating wardrobe was not lost on me.

To convince the audience of his nerdiness, he uses a very whinny voice.

Death is an underlying film throughout the play.

Since recently becoming an avid theatre viewer, this is one of the best plays that I have ever seen.

He destroys because he can't bare it any longer.

I worked closely with the playwrighter; we incremented sounds into the script.

In the end of the play Marie dies in a horrible car accident near the school. After a night of heavy drinking Marie felt that she was in good condition to drive home and learned the hard way that she was not.

They looked like they were dressed for the artic.

This is a playwright about a young man.

This is a group of men and women who revolve their unfortunate around the street in which they live.

This actress looked the most evil to me because the approach the director took in making the actress look like a woman who was capable of doing evil things.

Dishonest people always loose in the end.

The play portrait it beautifully.

The tycoon is a very rich and snoody man.

***

October 2004 Update

I did not read this play. I read another play instead.

The characters that are in most conflicts throughout the play is between the father and his son.

I did not read the play. I won't bother wasting your time with what I "picked up" on the play five minutes before class. Your welcome.

This is all I've read up to so far. I was going to speculate further but that probably isn't a good plan.

For me thinking about death is always a conflict one I usually lose and just try to forget about.

In this playwright the whole conflict of the play is him against everything.

He has been plaqueged with conflict from his ancestors.

I did not read the play because this is my first day in this class and I did not get the book until I knew I needed it which was Sunday and in the email to me from you. It was said that I just needed the book.

The two characters who are most in conflict are most definitely the father and son. Though there is a lot of conflict, I feel the main conflict is between father and son. Looking back on the play's central conflict it is obvious that the conflict is between father and son.

Her promiscuous behavior is often made null by her corky attitude.

The ways he acts out are very funny, like he dropped the pant down in act two and also he slapped a woman's ass in act three.

I related to her in the fact that I as well have blonde moments even as a brunette.

When she gets the flowers, she seems just as frilled as if they were roses.

From the movements to the accents it all came together as one big art.

Plays give people the opportunity to let lose.

He is having difficulty finding work because he is in love, with alcohol.

I was bored with the first seen.

His portentiousness is so deep that he has no regard for pregnant women at all.

This play is about a group of people and their personal sha nan a gans.

I would like to get to the bottom of these questions someday, hint, hint :)

I was expecting a middle-aged drunk man, but I was pleasantly surprised when I saw that he was a slightly-older-than-middle-aged drunk man.

It is hard for a human to become an actor.

This play is a play with another play.

He plays two women against each other without their knowledge. I find this typical of male arrogance.

That is when the emotions start to fly.

The performance was entertaining and boring.

This play was witty, with parts that were just as funny as a Ben Stiller movie.

It reminded me of when I messed up during my Bar Mitzvah and nobody noticed.

His short tongue seemed to have a subliminal purpose.

He does anything in his wit to keep a bottle of booze in his mouth.

The sexual humour begins when she puts her head in his crouch.

These are introduced in a subtle manor.

An unexpected bonus for me in the theater was that I sat next to two beautiful girls. This was a large cause for inflating the rating that I gave this play, which was a nine.

If the company wants to attract more students, the play should present the cast in more revealing clothing and adopt a hip hop theme song. Of course this is just me adding my un-solicitated advice. (on a play set quite clearly in the 1970s.)

The production had a lot of minor and major quarks.

At first I felt the way I might if I were babysitting rambunctions triplets, but by the end of the show I felt like I had just run five miles while laughing.

One can tell he has great familiarity with being drunk.

This has alluded them for the entire play.

I have never been intrigued by plays. It wouldn't matter who was on stage, it just does not appeal to me as a person. That's just not who I am. I have always been more of an outdoors person; if I sit too long then I am not a happy camper.
To which I replied, "Aside from your dislike of sitting still (which I assume means you do not go to movies or watch much television), what about THIS PLAY didn't you like?"

Flipping through the program before the performance started I found myself dreading the next three hours. Eighteen dollars, a two page paper and a waste of a night is all that was going through my mind. The class does not apply to my major, and quite honestly I only took it because it was a perfect fit for my schedule and a student suggested it to me.
Note to students: It is not wise to tell your teachers you are only taking their class because it fit into your course schedule. We are likely to tell you we graded your paper whenever we could fit it into ours.

November 2004 Update

He staired at the camera a lot.

Derek chose to display his nervousness by walking around holding a quivering arm.

His monologue ended with him throwing the dagger off the cliff, not himself.

Hamlets, like snowflakes, are never identical.

He stands right before the mirror and thrusts wholeheartedly before the glass.

The man in the production, while all together, had alcohol and simple structures in the set design by scenic designer.

The emotions and the visuals appeals of the romance comedy fled through the designs of the costumes and sound.

There was no eye linear on her face.

The costume placed enfaces on the theme.

The servants all show their preference for life.

The use of color was very evident and portrayed many scenes in the mood of color.

The use of blush and the white foundation used brought out the lady within Aaron. The set director had to create bosoms.

This play reminded me of dating in grammar school.

Her dress was clearly the Titanic of fashion.

The costumes dignified the greatest issue of deceit in the play.

It was evident these men wear wealthy aristocrats.

She goes down on her niece for reading.

She was very skatter-brained.

She exposes her wealth to her suitors through her clothes.

The fact that her dress is one that does not hide but rather accentuates her breasts is significant. There has to be a reason aside from her money that she is so popular.

I am not an avid theatre patron but there was not much to the set. (hurh?)

This play is a large comedy involvement within the characters and their use of language.

The actors were design to were clothing.

The mens' pants were tight and they had panties on. (note: I saw this play. To the best of my knowledge the state of the mens' underthings was impossible to ascertain.)

It helped the actors to acting their characters at a different level.

The hairstyle he has on his head tells the audience what he is thinking.

The audience can easily define the different location of the play, it must be the remark of the set designer group.

It is important to realize that because the play is a comedy it should not end in tragedy.

I liked him because I saw so much of myself in him. Although he was an old man, he liked to drink a lot.

Movies do not allow me to feel as if I am part of the play.

I would rather be lying by the pool than sitting in a cold theatre.

The singers were all dressed to read. Many of them wore plaid or stripped clothing.

Apparently the money is going to support a local diaper bank. I'm not sure what that means, but I know this show needed a diaper, because quite frankly it was crap.

This is a very well don't performance that I would recommend to anyone.

Going into the play, I thought to myself "Two and a half hours of singing? How will I ever stay awake?"

Peter Pan was written by Sir James Barbie.

I have heard there was a book based on Oliver: The Musical but I wasn't able to find it.

It does in face take place at his home.

There are many reasons why to how I feel my character works.

March 2005 Update

This play was a mind trenching experience.

He is an Obstetrication.

She questions weather she took the proper action.

This play deals with guilt and how sometimes in life we make decision that we cannot take back and how forgiveness is a hard thing to do and how families interact under stress and pay for the mistakes others make and also addresses the question of whether or not it is ethical to take unnecessary risks with other peoples' lives. (oh my god STOP FOR BREATH.)

My favorite character is the bases for this theme. (ALL YOUR CHARACTER ARE BELONG TO ME!)

Many times family and friends must reinforce the beneficence in each of us.

He performs an emergency sea-section on the pregnant woman.

They carry on in a very vivid manor.

She seemed to be always watching from above, in a angelic manor. (Manor/Manner is apparently a common mistake...)

Her disease is a direct illusion to the problems eating away at her.

She is racked by inner turmoil.

The conflict between them has escaladed at this point.

Cory was recruited by a college couch.

These two but heads the most in the play.

She betrays her character, a pasture's wife, extremely well.

I am of coarse talking about the protagonist.

Death is an unpleasant ending.

He has been seeing a destitute instead of coming home to his wife every night. (While many prostitutes may also BE destitute...)

It has defiled all forms of medical treatment.

He was full of mal contempt.

April 2005 Update

Although the set remained the same throughout the entire play, the "bad characters" often had many people in toe as guards or followers.

The play, which I attended at the [name removed] theater which an excellent portal of the play by William Shakespeare. The playwright's thoughts and ideas came through his choice of design very well.

The use of the scrim helped with imaging events taking place in a much more dramatic level.

The royalty had very fancy looking clothes, and the poor woman looked very nappy and ugly. This differentiated also helped in signifying which ones were though highly of and which ones not. It really made a great distinguish with which one was characters were more respected, liked, and was thought to turn into something great when they were older.

I think that the play came out great and I felt the experience to see a great show with the great effects. (Tell me...was it great?)

William Shakespeare wrote this play and as with many of his plays, it is still being performed today.

The designer chose to shine water through a gobo to get a wavy effect onstage.

The audience understanding of the cause events taking place was necessity.

His pink pants were sort of gay.

Skulls are bad things and symbols of evil people.

Shakespeare wants you to do this, even when it maybe hard. (This is my new favourite argument. "But Shakespeare wants you to do this!")

The designers chose torn up costumes to show the characters' dirty conduct through clothing.

Alongside with this theme is the idea that endearment will bring good things.

His costume is made to endure rough challenges and evils.

Her snow white dress with glitters represents her purity and love that makes her shine with glitters.

She must overcoming the pressures of being in captive.

This evilness does not go undone.

The local Reparatory theatre.

A lot of afford went into making the costumes.

The set planed by the set designer was a simply setting.

The play surrounds a plot affiliating with murder and incest.

As the play took its course I began to become fond of its nakedness.

Kabuki theatre is Japanese most famous theatre.

About this time, Shakespeare was writing on the western front.

It is truly impressive to see fist hand.

The costumes were typical of those worn at the time of Shakesprear.

Shakespeare's story was unwrapped in humorous ways.

This costume represents his majestuocity.

He meets different adventures along the way to conquer these feets.

He was u and in power.

The costumes reminded me of the movie Troy, so I liked them.

Also, the devout young lady who serenaded me last time with an irrelevant but heartfelt discussion of the importance of the birth of Christ is back with an even less relevant discussion of an Old Testament classic:

This play reminds me of biblical story in the Old Testament called Jobe. In that story Jobe losses everything. He lost his family and his family and his fortune, home, and cattle. He never losses his faith and never takes Gods name in vein.

A black banana ties her hair back.

His dislike is not directed towards her, just her sandwich.

Clothing is second only to his desire not to get eaten by a bear.

Buenos Aires is associated with an exotic, fanatical place.

HI, I JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW I WON'T BE ATTENDING CLASS FOR TEH NEXT WEEK BECAUSE I HAVE GONE HOME TO CALIFORNIA WITH MONO. I SHOULD BE BETTER AND BACK AT SCHOOL AFTER THE THANKSGIVING BREAK. I AM SENDING MY REVIEW 4 TO A CLASSMATE TO TURN IN FOR ME, AND WANTED TO KNOW IF I MISSING ANYTHING ELSE. I ALSO STARTED TO READ THE PLAY LITTLE WOMAN AND WANT TO KNOW IF THIS WOULD BE OK FOR MY PAPER, BECAUSE TEH OTHER PLAY I WAS READING WAS NOT INTERESTING AND HARD TO READ...

I picked up one essay and read, as a thesis, "The customs of this play give a great representation of the personality of the characters, as the actors themselves provide an exquisite entertainment." I thought oh no, I'll have to mark her down -- "Customs" is certainly not on the list of elements that they can write about in the review. Then I read: "The customs represented each character's lifestyle. For example, [so and so's] custom, a fire red dress with red high heels..." All we can think is that she spellchecked it and hit "correct all" when Word suggested "custom" instead of "costume". That's what I want to be when I grow up -- a CUSTOM DESIGNER!

Update: March-April 2006

These are taken from a brief job I got grading high school essays in the spring of 2006. Everything you read in this update was written by someone between the ages of 16 and 19.

If I admired the way elves sang and dressed, I would try to sing and dress like him too. [Elvis.]

People change people, sometimes it could be bad and sometimes it could be worse.

Opera is a good role model. [Oprah.]

It felt longer than a symphony oprah. [Opera.]

My brother quit school and went to prison instead.

I've loved music since before I was born.

The chances of meeting Franklin Roosevelt or Winston Churchill are slim to none. [I'm coming down more on the "none" side.]

The two people I admire most are Paris Hilton and Our Lord Jesus Christ.

I hate when the person I admire turns out to be a supervillain.

She had missing limbs and a beautiful smile.

We are pest friends.

Several years pasted by. [The years are pasteded on yay!]

He traveled by feet.

Our whole family was stoned at this news.

Our dog died, even though we treated her with every chemical under the kitchen sink! [This could be why she DIED.]

Anyone who dies on a cross so that I might have eternal life is okay in my book.

I felt like there was a What Would Jesus Do bracelet wrapped around my brain.

It faded away in a moment of seconds.

I was in a time of mold.

If you're at a job and don't know what you're doing, don't do it.

I don't know if this quote is relevant or not, but I'm going to tell it to you anyway.

PS: I hope you didn't mind me writing really small. I was worried I would run out of room. [This was written halfway down the blank second page.]

Her eyes were like water balloons.

The glaze in his eyes, one of which was fake, told me that he was an artist.

She was thrown out of the house because of some confusion involving her and a cat. [Apparently no other elaboration was needed.]

I'm not saying that admiring Batman means you have to fight crime in tights.

This happens in more cases than none.

My eyes were red and heavy like a giant hippo.

She has a very good head between her shoulders.

Anyone who says they never watched the Power Rangers is lying so don't judge me.

The person I admire most is God.

I knew a girl who was always talking about her cutting problem and suicidal. Then she went to a Mandy Moore concert and afterwards was always smiling and upbeat!

I wasn't hanging out with the wrong crowd, but you might as well call them that because they weren't any better.

Cancer is an inauspicious disease.

She was waitressing to make ends meat.

For example, Stalin, the famous pop artist of the eighties, who painted Campbell's Soup. [That would be Andy Warhol, and 1970s. I think maybe he was trying to discuss Lichtenstein.]

The life in "el barrio" is all about the exchange of ideas between you and your homies.

I was a spliten image of him.

Make sure your boyfriend is nice, clean, and nonalcoholic.

I advise you not to screw up.

I was at work, trying to make money for presents and hoping I wouldn't spend it all on shoes instead.

Normally this test prompt is totally out of left field. Finally! This prompt I can answer!

Guys would jump over backwards for her.

I saw myself at the end of a joint. [Wow, that must have been AWESOME hash.]

I read Pitcher In The Rye for school last year.

He has attention deposit disorder.

I had been reading the book of Acts when suddenly I found God. [Apparently he'd been pressed between the pages of the family bible years earlier.]

She eventually got a boyfriend and ruined her life.

Friends are like roleplaying games. You want to roll high, but you usually get a number that doesn't help at all.

I want to be like Prefontaine. I have the waffles and the uniform already.

Those who follow the words of Adoph Hitler are bad. [for the "obvious understatement of the year" award.]

I was a chamillion.

She has made not one mistake, not two, but a couple more. Of course, being that she's forty, she has probably made ten mistakes!

My friend is very fanny.

I learned the true meaning of Superman's S -- which is that it has none. [this from a kid who actually put the copyright (c) after "DC Comics"]

I would like to be a rowmodel.

The gems were particularly good tonight, once I over came my MURDEROUS RAGE.

Coach told us "I want the football team in front and their boyfriends behind them."

It's all different now and days.

Others admire people who have done a lot, like Gandhi and God.

My dad taught me how to use a toilet and a band saw.

If he was still alive, he would still have problems.

There's too many people who admire me.

He paints good drawings. I like to draw cars and holidays.

My mom is my monkey. [in context, she's discussing "monkey see, monkey do."]

I woke up yesterday in a really bad mud.

They motivate you to stay motivated.

I had nobody to look up to....except the sky.

You can't take anything for granite.

I admire them, like other admiral people.

I couldn't be quite about it.

Our understandment is much better now.

Some people try to lure you into their boring lives.

Then you wake up with a bad reputation and a stinging sensation.

Not having a family there to catch me when I fall is like not having feet to fall from.

I came prepared for fun, excitement, and pain.

Kids who did drugs, wore coats, and other wicked things.

A person on drungs is not your friend.

Sex, alcohol, and basketball, our coach's favorite subjects. I never listened, because nothing could stop me from obsessing about basketball. Although sometimes I partook of sex and alcohol too.

I promble wooda past. ["I probably would have passed." Somehow, I doubt it.]

I passed almost the whole thing xcept two parts. [Should be noted: This is a three part test.]

She taught me to stride for excellents.

Your parents' fruits end up in you.

He protected me from big things and little things like butterflies.

They leave a footprint in your heart. [Ewww.]

I love him to depth.

What makes a hero? Is it the action he takes? Or is it the spandex?

He helped me deal with my anger problems. I have written more poems this year than in the rest of my life combined.

I followed in his feetsteps.

You don't worship celebartie.

She shows me how to be a humiliated person.

She likes to buy old things. And drive around.

I am proud of myshelf.

He was as influential as an eagle!

He was knocked slightly unconscious. [Only slightly?]

I was inspired not to commit remedial acts of violence.

The girls were mean and militious.

I felt like the size of a pencil when I realized my best friend was gay and coming on to me.

My father didn't speak a drop of English.

He had more patience with us than a slug running from salt.

We see movie at the theather.

The butterflies were hitting my stomach like Ali.

Two important men in my life are Ghandi and Jesus Crist.

She was a woman of many hats. [Sounds like my gran.]

She enjoyed our conservation so much that she asked me out!

This is a fictional story about goths.

I live, I breathe, I cry. I live, I love, I hate. I live, I look down upon, and I desire. [This is not from the fictional story about goths. I know, hard to believe.]

Man, that hoe (my aunt) put me on the spot.

I love my feminine, her name is Dina.

These words were more beautiful to me than a tryptich.

Many people are close to their parentings.

They can inspire the admirer to desire to acquire better skils.

I did not sir come to temptation.

Everything has solution, except dead.

At times like that, I just ask myself, what would Johnny Depp do? [For a start, love, he'd probably write more than three paragraphs on a two-page essay.]

I smoked crystal myth.

She has weathered everyone life throws at her.

I have admired him since my first drink of milk.

There's something about shooting at cars with paintball guns that really gets your adrenaline pumping.

A few sets of pollen later... [I've never heard this expression; it appears to mean "a few years".]

God is the person I admire most. What makes me respect him is his personality and approach to challenges.

He mustard up all his strength.

He has made a great indent on me.

He is my garden angel.

I can't wait to die and see Jesus!

A dead body was nothing new to me, but seeing someone die mid-sentence was a first.

Those who you admire are like your caterpillar.

His tears threatened to commit suicide by falling from the precipice of his eyelids. [And the emo award for ALL TIME goes to...]

She would always tell me, "That's my godly warrior princess!"

I admire Neil and Lance Armstrong. These two brothers are amazing!

This can lead to prison, scandal, and high-priced fashion.

He hit a low point in his life when the cops caught him trying to pawn a baby.

My dad is a supper hero.

She was a wolf in a heard of sheep. [You've heard of sheep...]

The singer Jewel has abysmal depth.

She wants to go to an I.V. League school. [I just died.]

He works at the hisbetal. [Hospital.]

My granddad used to tell me "If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything!"

My grandmother died on June 30, 2006. [This was written in April of 2006. IT'S A PAPER FROM THE FUUUUTURE!]

This is a question even the immortal Snoop Dog cannot answer.

I had to write a paper about how I think the prisoners in Afghanistan should be treated. My mother wrote a letter to the Secretary of Defense about it, too. Our ideas were exactly the same! The only thing we disagreed on was how the prisoners should be executed.

It was like the hallowcaust. [That's where everyone dresses up as Nazis...]

I want to go to bowling college.

She was basically everything that was bad and ended in -holic.

If I were to admire anybody it would have to be myself.

I want to get a lot of Best Actress awards, like Denzel Washington.

I want to be like him, because he is in the Mexican Mafia.

If he could leef (?) over his hurdles, so can I. [The kid actually put a question mark in. As if they didn't know what one does to get over hurdles...]

My heart was pounding with fear and blood.

Nobody knew the lonely, depressed effeminate behind the 4.0 GPA. [written by a girl; I assume she has a loose grasp of the word.]

Jesus Christ has infected me!

I was groin up so fast.

My parents told me I needed a creative outlet because I had gotten into trouble for faking a seizure in front of a substitute teacher.

He was instrumental in my training as a musician. [Groan.]

We were eating off food stamps.

I want to train to be a personal cheif.

There are only so many times you can talk to a tree before the conversation becomes stale.

I have admired Billy Idol as long as time itself.

I could tell by her frown she was damnhearted.

I admonish anyone who looks up to me to follow me like I follow Christ.

Bad words are bulgar and disrespectful.

He had a brian full of knowledge.

I cried and cried like a chicken.

My hero is your mom. [This wasn't one I got, but one a colleague got. That was the whole paper. AWESOME.]

They were served with letters of intent to sew.

I stared at her like a zombie looking for someone to eat.

I'd rather be in the windi dessert, defending my country.

Life is a gift to all earthlings.

She joined the bible.

I asked if the glass was half full or half empty and he said "the glass is too big!" [this is still boggling me. I have no clue what it MEANS!]

She had caught several of her boyfriends making out with her best friend.

My mom is a great influence on my life as well as the President of the United States.

He is so popular that everyone drops dead if he walks by them.

I smoked pot with friends but got pregnant by myself.

I felt like a seed, lost in the universe.

I tried my dambest.

My mother really is "the love of my life." [uh...yuck.]

The varsity jocks made fun of her enormous breast. [just one?]

Most peoples heroes are either a superhero or an action figure.

I live in the state capital, Austen, Texas.

I bummed the test.

You might want to rethink yourself if you admire someone like Rudolph Hitler.

My dad is a fan of the Arizona Braves Baseball team.

He had a nice collard shirt. [but did he use bulgar language?]

I admire Bob Marley because of the amount of weed he smokes.

I had a towel raped around my leg.

Her only friends were cows. [at least no towels were raping her legs.]

He shot up heron.

My brother was a mainstream drug dealer. [God, don't you hate those indie drug dealers?]

I thought it was a thief until, loathe and behold, it was my brother.

I want to be a herbotologist and study snakes.

I admire Hendrix, Morrison, Slash, Cobain, and Brian Nowell. They all died and one even came back to rock on some more!

But in the end, he died for admiring someone other than our lord God.

Lightning is caused by an expansion of umbrage.

He altered my life...and my face, but they are both better now after some work.

Biology. It's in our blood.

My mother is a kleenex for me to wipe my tears on.

The pressure was on, like a two-ton boulder on a Honda Civic.

I work my brain off every day.

He is disabled after falling off a small building.

Be yourself. Everyone else is taken anyway.

Divine own self be true. [Shakespeare is SCREAMING.]

Mathematical formulae do not just fall from math heaven!

As it says in the bible, what does not kill you makes you stronger. [Wow. What bible are THEY reading?]

To be fair, I kept track of how many God papers and how many misquoted-Nietzsche ("my grandpa/mom/teacher told me this") papers I got a night -- God edged out Nietzsche, but only barely.

My grandpa tries to do everything right, just like a Protestant.

She said "I'm going to slap some since into you!"

Nowadays people say I am a nice guy and not just because they're scared I will punch them.

After he died we were in a long period of morning.

I look up to my dad because I admire him.

She told me never to judge, because I am never right.

I don't care if I pass this essay, I just want you to know Jesus.

I was all confuces.

I told her to go kick a duck.

He had long hair and holy jeans.

My ideas were altered jurasically.

He sent out for college.

We are like two peas in a pot.

My father is my knight and shining armor.

She brought out the ME in me.

By the first grade he learned English and proceeded into high school.

How was I supposed to know what Pascal's Triangle was? It sounded like a yoga position to me.

Whoever is reading this essay, if you ever need a lawyer, that's what I'm going to be.

This clown was not funny, he scared little children and emotionally disabled adults.

We are all human beens.

He has inspired me to follow in his footsteps, except the part where he went to war and had his leg blown off. [So...just his footstep, really.]

My friend made up a saying about it: One day at a time.

He only drank alcohol at church.

It hit my father as if he had kissed a train at full speed.

I am a single mother of two, and I live with my mom, two sisters, three nieces, and four brothers.

I can do anything I put my foot to.

Everyone has someone they look up to, and they should keep this admiresmanship all their life.

My hero is R. Kelly. He looks like a criminal, but he's not. But he did go to jail.

I will cherish her until she parish.

I reflex often on these ideas.

I was trying to cope with my anger by pooping piles. [popping pills, I think.]

I want to be an airplane polit.

I am a die heart fan.

Being a firefighter is hard, but I get to play with fire.

My mom just snaped one day.

Teachers are a unique, explosive bredd.

My writting has evolved so far.

She taught me that men are a luxury, not a necessity.

My sister moved out and left me to hate my stepfather all alone.

My family are not the brightest starts in the ski.

How many times have you said "When I grow up I want to be just like (insert superhero name here)!"?

Now, whenever I'm in a jam, I think to myself "What would Johnny Depp do?" [Here's a hint: he'd write a paper that was longer than half a page.]

Children are shown all sorts of chalk outlines their parents want them to grow into one day.

They all countenance me not to do narcotics, not to leave my potable unwatched, and not to take anything from foreigners; also to put currency towards hereafter auxiliaries and hearken to old people. [To be fair to this kid, the entire paper read like a non-native speaker had written it in English and then looked up every word in the dictionary they're allowed to have, substituting longer, fancier sounding words for the CORRECT ones.]

I was the odd ball out.

I lacked existential focus.

It's happening even as we speak....er, as I write this and you read it later on.

She stood with me through everything I have overgone.

He started snorting tobacco.

Tears came out of my eyelids.

He was shot in 19996.

She left with a tear in her eye and an M16 rifle strapped to her back.

Jesus Christ is from this world but he is also from heaven, duh.

She graduated summer cum laude.

My dad says I should listen to old people because they've been through more than I have. Well, duh. They're old.

This man tried to kill himself by driving down a steep hill without the brakes on. Unfortunately that hill ended in my house, and so did his suicide attempt.

Some unique spellings:
techniqually
Spanish-speckers
farther-n-law
worth ethic
siloete [Okay, I can't really blame them. I can't ever remember how this is spelled either.]
Ereversable,
Cruseal,
Meraculesly,
Fenomanel
Discustid
"winner dog" for "weiner dog".
masqulin (masculine)
culaps (collapse)
Alcoholnik
The narrorator
scienictist

Highlights of recent scoring:

The Gay Cowboy Essay. Even leaving aside the fandom synchronicity, it was actually a damn good paper. We get a lot of papers by kids who are involved in rodeo sports or work on ranches. This kid talked about how his best friend, who came to work on his dad's ranch last summer, helped him realise that he was gay and that it was okay to be a gay cowboy because, and I quote, "People are scared you'll shoot them if they call you a faggot". Swear to god. It was awesome.

The girl who, with complete earnestness, wrote about her love for John Inman. Who is John Inman, you ask? He is Mr. Humphries on Are You Being Served. Yes. Mr. Humphries is the campy one.

A paper about a family of stray cats: the protagonist, Jack, wanted to be just like his older brother Spot. He even did drugs like his older brother Spot did. Yes, drugs. Cats doing drugs. And one day, while they were high on Crystal -- perhaps even crystal myth! -- a Great Dane ate Jack. That was when Spot discovered the diary that JACK THE CAT kept and realised he'd ruined his brother's life.

The story of the student's ESL teacher, and how he found her crying yesterday because she was worried he wouldn't do well on his essay. Basically, the essay could be summed up in the phrase "Please don't make my ESL teacher cry". It worked, too. I passed him.

Date: 2005-01-04 02:09 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] queen-of-kithia.livejournal.com
He has also breaded the protagonist, making this play even more unique.

Obviously, the playwright intended the protagonist to be deep fried and served with gravy.

Date: 2005-03-10 07:47 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] absurdwords.livejournal.com
While their brother or father (I am not sure which) came back from war...

Is this about MPreg?

Every time he appears onstage he arouses his son in the way only a father can.

OMG. Some of these gems seem to come right out of [livejournal.com profile] babb_chronicles

The character of Willy Loman can best be compared to Ozzy Osbourne.

Er.

Just like Willy Loman in the play, my father wants me to have a successful and happy life. That is why I am in college, and that is why I am writing this paper.

I chose this play because it was short and easy to read.

And this, my friends, is the entirety of one of the papers: [Name removed] is the driving force in the play. The cast includes his wife, children, and friend. To be honest I have only skimmed the play and I left my copy at home in the rush to leave. I can not remember what the conflict was.

Their honesty is so cute.

Date: 2005-03-10 10:11 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] abigail-nicole.livejournal.com
All were beautiful. But I must say, Towards the end I started to believe I was at some distorted Abercrombie and Fitch catalog shooting instead of a college play. was the one I had to quote to assorted people nearby, as well as I felt close to the actors because I could wee their facial expressions.

Date: 2005-03-20 07:55 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] raucousraven.livejournal.com
Sha nan a gans. Emfaces. (Whut? Ew.) Major and minor quarks? (Somewhere, the physicists are screaming!) Good grief, these are truly heart-rending. My personal favourite? Floof. Conjugated as a verb.

The horror. Oh, the horror! *memories*

Date: 2005-04-13 06:14 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lilypeters.livejournal.com
May I borrow one of these as my quote of the moment? I especially liked this one...

Every time he appears onstage, he arouses his son in the way only a father can.

Why do I keep thinking that's unintended slash?

~Roxy~

Date: 2005-05-16 04:16 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] shanna359.livejournal.com
These people make me feel absolutely brilliant! May I link to these in my own LJ?
Thanks for posting these! They're quite entertaining!

Date: 2006-03-07 02:09 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] i-amsherlocked.livejournal.com
Every time he appears onstage he arouses his son in the way only a father can.
Certain things can be done alone but all warm-blooded people need a companion in the end.
Barnaby exemplified the look of a butler with his gold collar, black bow tie, and white testes.

::sniggers::
Oh my! I sse why they are gems and I haven't even finished!
I am on the clock from 6am today until 6pm tomorrow, so I shall finish them and browse the rest of the community....(knowing that as I state this, I'll have three people come in in labor plus half a billion prenatal appointments and I won't get to read a word!)

Date: 2006-08-15 10:32 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] enders-shadow.livejournal.com
As it says in the bible, what does not kill you makes you stronger. [Wow. What bible are THEY reading?]

You know, to the best of my knowledge, the person who first said "what doesn't destroy me only makes me stronger" was Friedrich Nietzsche.

He is so far from the bible, a whole new layer of comedy is added to that quote.

Date: 2012-04-15 09:04 am (UTC)
azurelunatic: A glittery black pin badge with a blue holographic star in the middle. (Default)
From: [personal profile] azurelunatic
If I ever grow up, I want to be the most fearsome Nietzsche-quoting parent *ever*.

Date: 2008-04-01 04:21 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] phillippa-moss.livejournal.com
"My writting has evolved so far."
Please tell me this was the second sentence or something.

Date: 2008-04-01 05:00 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] phillippa-moss.livejournal.com
Maybe she fixed it by going to a Mandy Moore concert.

Date: 2008-04-01 05:41 pm (UTC)
ext_52148: image of bombardier plane with my name on it (sock puppet)
From: [identity profile] bluebombardier.livejournal.com
Pitcher in the Rye

Hey, I think that's an album by DJ Salinger.

Date: 2008-09-15 03:57 pm (UTC)

Date: 2008-04-01 11:40 pm (UTC)
drgaellon: Jack: ORLY? Ten: YARLY (Ten Jack ORLY Ya RLY)
From: [personal profile] drgaellon
The play hit the ground walking and only proceeded to lose momentum from there.

That's almost worthy of Dorothy Parker... actually, it may have been stolen from her.

I have heard there was a book based on Oliver: The Musical but I wasn't able to find it.

This makes me cry. And makes poor Dickens spin in his grave. (Don't get me wrong, I love Oliver!, but, I mean, REALLY!)

I admire Neil and Lance Armstrong. These two brothers are amazing!

ZOMG, you broke my brain. OWOWOWOWOWOWOW!

He had a brian full of knowledge.

Be fair, that's just a typo, and one most spellcheckers will miss. I make that error all the time, myself - I'm just good at catching it.

I was trying to cope with my anger by pooping piles.

Maybe she just had hemorrhoids... (also called "piles")

I weep for the future.

You should really read World History According to Student Bloopers.
Edited Date: 2008-04-01 11:45 pm (UTC)

that book based on Oliver!...

Date: 2008-04-02 04:03 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] killerqueen42.livejournal.com
... reminds me of a similar customer "gem". When our theater showed Capote, we also sold both the DVD and book of In Cold Blood at the box office. This girl comes up and inquires "Is In Cold Blood available at bookstores?"

Date: 2008-04-02 02:25 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] featherofeeling.livejournal.com
Oh man. I'm working on an essay right now, and am so, so comforted by the thought that no matter how unoriginal my thesis or uninspiring my French, at least I won't end up on a page like this. Plus, I really needed the lolz! Thanks for linking again. :)

Date: 2008-09-04 05:53 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] wellowned.livejournal.com
the "glass is too big" comment? i heard once before from a friend interested in engineering that they continue the "half full/ half empty" discussion with "an engineer sees the glass as twice as big as it ought to be"... or something to that effect.

Date: 2008-09-05 02:46 am (UTC)
tiltingheartand: (Default)
From: [personal profile] tiltingheartand
Oh my goodness, I was just about to comment to that effect. (And yes, it goes -- Is the glass half full or half empty? The glass was engineered improperly; it's twice as big as it should be. I go to an engineering school and thus have heard this many more times than I would like.)

Date: 2008-09-05 04:09 pm (UTC)
ext_1059: (Default)
From: [identity profile] shezan.livejournal.com
This play was honestly a waste of two hours and forty minutes of my life that I would like to have back.

Dunt count. Many, many, many critics use that line...

Date: 2008-09-15 04:07 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] rane-ab.livejournal.com
So they're repainting the wall outside of my room, and I was trying desperately to laugh quietly while reading this. It was not an easy feat.

Coach told us "I want the football team in front and their boyfriends behind them."

Some of these lines really deserve their very own crack!fic. :o)

Date: 2008-09-23 03:20 am (UTC)
ext_47332: Blue background with sparkly text saying "team hilarity!" (Default)
From: [identity profile] silentstep.livejournal.com
ow, ow, my stomach. I laughed so hard I think I broke something.

Date: 2009-04-03 07:25 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mythologian.livejournal.com
I asked if the glass was half full or half empty and he said "the glass is too big!" [this is still boggling me. I have no clue what it MEANS!]

it means don't focus on the glass but what's inside and how if you poured it into a smaller glass it would be full instead of half empty or full.


Date: 2010-02-18 10:26 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] thanku4thvenom.livejournal.com
The funny. :D

The ribs. It huuuurts D':

Seriously though, it all seems so earnest... Collections like this are rapidly putting me off teaching for life.

Date: 2011-04-01 02:16 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bookwormsarah.livejournal.com
While their brother or father (I am not sure which) came back from war...

Please tell me this was a Greek play?

Date: 2011-04-01 02:53 pm (UTC)
contrarywise: Glowing green trees along a road (Default)
From: [personal profile] contrarywise
From that point on it's all dropping bodies. = Best summation of Act V, Scene II of Hamlet evar.
(deleted comment)

Date: 2012-04-01 02:33 pm (UTC)
xdawnfirex: (Castle - Beckett - Snicker)
From: [personal profile] xdawnfirex
I've got one for you. I'm a GTA in history. Last semester I had one turn in the following identification answer:

"Brown vs. Board of Education: This case is exactly what it says. 'Brown' people vs. the Board."

YOU CAN'T MAKE THIS STUFF UP.

Date: 2012-04-01 03:13 pm (UTC)
xdawnfirex: (Doctor Who - Ten - Look Up Smile)
From: [personal profile] xdawnfirex
Oh, God can't help you now. I have a NUMBER of gems from that group. There was one who wrote that poverty spread across the South (after the Civil War) "like plague butter on toast" - he was never able to adequately explain exactly what plague butter was or why you would want to put it on toast.

And I simply failed outright the student who wrote that African Americans were dumb.

Date: 2012-04-02 02:39 am (UTC)
azurelunatic: A glittery black pin badge with a blue holographic star in the middle. (Default)
From: [personal profile] azurelunatic
I guess if you're out of normal butter, you've got to switch to plague butter?

Date: 2012-04-01 11:27 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] revieloutionne.livejournal.com
The narrator is still troubled by the summer when there was lots of love, and of loss because of the family apart of the family.

The Glass Menagerie?

Date: 2012-04-01 11:59 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] revieloutionne.livejournal.com
I think the key to understanding was that "apart" is actually apart here and not, as the rest of the writing skill level would lead you to believe, a mis-written "a part."

So, "The narrator is still troubled by the summer when there was lots of love, and [lots] of loss because of the family [torn] apart [from] the family." I think that makes the intent clear without completely rewriting? I mean, it's still an awful sentence, but reading it that way I got "narrator, love, broken family," which can be many plays, but if it's Theatre Appreciation, the odds of Menagerie are high.

Date: 2012-04-02 05:28 pm (UTC)
ansku: (Default)
From: [personal profile] ansku
Awesome collection :D

I was left wondering about the "She is racked by inner turmoil.", though. Is there some error I just can't spot, or is it just an issue of style - or something else altogether? I'm not fluent in English myself so as far as I know I could be missing something quite obvious here.

Date: 2012-04-03 04:50 pm (UTC)
ansku: (Default)
From: [personal profile] ansku
That it kind of does :) My dictionary accepts both spellings, though. Perhaps there's some regional variety?
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